How to navigate family holiday gatherings, according to a therapist

For many, the holidays can induce anxiety because they drop us back into the family dynamics we think we’ve outgrown. On the Modern Love podcast, the therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab shared her advice for navigating family holiday gatherings. Here are her tips, adapted from our conversation.

1. RESOLVE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY

Make an agreement with yourself to not go into this holiday the same way you entered the last one. If you’re the host, you get to do things differently this year. If you’re going to someone’s home, you have the opportunity to leave earlier or later than you did in previous years. We have to take the holidays into our own hands and create the experience that we want to have.

2. GET COMFORTABLE WITH DISCOMFORT

Not every family gathering has to be the most pleasant you’ve ever attended. Some discomfort can be manageable. Figure out what your individual threshold is. Maybe the dinner and gathering lasts four to five hours, and your tolerance level is about an hour.

3. DON'T DEBATE – CHANGE THE TOPIC

When people are zealous about a topic, particularly one related to politics, they just want you to hear everything they have to say. They’re really not concerned about how you view the subject. We have to be able to shift the topic. Sometimes I think, in a very humorous way, we can hop in and say: “Any other topics of discussion?” Or, “I have another conversation for us.”

4. PREPARE NEW GUESTS

When we’re taking people into situations with our families, it’s our duty to brace them in advance. It’s nice to have a heads-up about the relative who delivers that extremely wet kiss on the cheek, the person who squeezes your hand too hard, or the one who goes on and on about all the people they know who are dying. Don’t just let people walk into these scenarios like it’s normal.

5. CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF

Notice when you feel your energy shifting and have a little check-in with yourself: What happened there? Is there an opportunity for you to do something? Having that chat with yourself – whether you write it down, or it’s in the bathroom, or it’s just in your head – is important. It’s an opportunity to notice your behaviour and agree with yourself: “I have to do something different.”

By Anna Martin © The New York Times Company

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.