Grey hair and wrinkles can be unsettling but it's best to embrace the gains of ageing

When my new byline photo was published two months ago, I was taken aback by how different I looked compared to my first portrait shot taken at this same workplace some eight years ago.

The hair, skin, weight … I’m still cringing too much to be able to pen down my thoughts in detail. But suffice it to say that the photo is a stark reminder of the physical changes we all go through as the years roll by.

Some friends even jokingly compared me to a fairly well-known public figure who turns 70 this year, while I'm 34. To be fair, it was more a commentary about my choice of hairstyle and glasses. And I genuinely find it hilarious, too, even as I'm writing this now.

Still, it would have been nicer to be compared to a younger, bespectacled and curly-haired public figure. Like a youthful Harry Potter.

In writing this, I recognise of course that some older readers would regard being 34 as being in the very prime of life and would be happy to roll back the years that far.

Even though I am relatively young, I'm the oldest among the pool of fellow CNA TODAY reporters. And some of these colleagues are around the same age as some of my nieces and nephews.

And to be clear, my concerns are not about my evolving looks per se. The photo incident just fed into thoughts about ageing that had already been playing on my mind for quite some time.

When I started working, I could eat four full-course meals a day (rice at 2am) without doing any exercise and I could maintain a healthy weight – bordering on underweight, even. 

In the last few years, my weight has progressed to slightly overweight. But the occasional skipping of meals, salad-eating and exercise seemed to do little if at all to help me return to a healthy weight range, pointing to my slowing metabolism.

Speaking of exercise, I’ve also noticed how my stamina has gone down drastically and I’ve also more easily picked up injuries.

I'm still nursing an ache in the knee from taking a stroll in the park.

This in turn further hampers my efforts to do more physical activities in a bid to claim back some of the fitness of the younger me.

Fortunately, however, I’ve not reached a stage where I become uncomfortable with my physical self.

But it got me thinking: Would all this worrying about the number on the scale or the lines on my face eventually turn to such an unhealthy preoccupation? 

And is there a way I can be happier with all the inevitable physical changes that I will go through? Or will I continue using the portrait taken in my mid-20s as my LinkedIn profile picture, even when I reach retirement age?

WHY AGEING AFFECTS US SO MUCH

Mental health experts I interviewed for this piece were unanimous in telling me this: It is completely normal for one to fret over the physical changes one experiences with age.

Mr James Chong, clinical director at counselling and therapy centre The Lion Mind, cited the example of how it is common for people to pluck out grey strands of hair as they spot them, to “quickly change” the physical signs of ageing as they appear.

“These feelings reflect a natural response to change and the desire to maintain a sense of control over our appearance and capabilities,” he said.

Ms Avanti Nim, of online and face-to-face therapy platform Talk Your Heart Out, said that people fret over ageing because it can be perceived as a loss of identity or opportunity, arising from the limitations that naturally come with age.

“For example, someone who's always wanted to go to Everest Base Camp knows that they have a certain number of years in which to do it, otherwise they age out of the ability,” the therapist added.

“When we're staring at visible signs of ageing in the mirror, it's a confronting reminder of it and sometimes, our reactions are more visceral because it's not a pleasant one.”

The experts pointed out, however, that one’s attitude towards ageing can be shaped by society, which links beauty and vitality to youthfulness.

Dr Tsao I Ting, clinical director at Redwood Psychology clinic, said: “As people age in reality, they start to notice the changes that take them further away from the idea of beauty and vitality.”

Ms Avanti said that societal attitudes towards ageing may also be unequal.

“It's more impactful for women, who are more likely to be described in unflattering terms like 'haggard', while men tend to be looked at as 'distinguished'." 

WHEN FRETTING OVER GREY HAIR BECOMES UNHEALTHY

Dr Tsao did say that being concerned about ageing can be somewhat positive, in the sense that it may motivate some people to take extra care of their health in a bid to slow down the ageing process.

However, normal concerns over ageing can turn into an unhealthy preoccupation if those concerns manifest in obsessive thoughts and behaviours that affect one’s overall functioning, she added.

For instance, it is unhealthy if a person becomes so obsessed with exercising that it takes away time from socialising with his or her loved ones.

Or when it comes to fighting the physical signs of ageing, a person may start off with topical products, followed by non-invasive laser procedure, and then move to a surgical facelift, hoping that each step would help them to regain wrinkle-free skin.

“After the facelift, she now becomes aware that she might need a tummy tuck and the compulsive need to perfect the body does not have an end.”

Dr Tsao also brought up body dysmorphic disorder, a mental condition where a person spends excessive time worrying about flaws in their appearance that even people around them do not notice.

She noted that this typically affects young people more than older people. 

“Although there isn’t a disorder that describes how a person’s functioning is impaired by his or her negative thoughts or feelings about the ageing process, the characteristics of body dysmorphic disorder is probably the closest to the phenomenon that we are describing here.”

Mr Chong from The Lion Mind stressed the importance of addressing the negative emotions one has around ageing.

“If left unaddressed, they can spiral into larger mental health issues, including chronic stress, social withdrawal or depression. Recognising and addressing these feelings early is essential,“ he said.

TO AGE WITH GRACE

The experts said it is great that I try to maintain my fitness and practise some form of self-care to cope with the changes that I see in myself.

But as with any other aspect of life, the key is to approach it with balance.

“You take the pressure off. Accept that ageing and its effects is a reality of life and that there are only certain factors in our control, two of which are being diligent with our skincare and protecting yourself from intense sun exposure,” Ms Avanti said.

She added that adopting more age-appropriate role models can be helpful, too, so that we may have a comparison that is more favourable to ourselves.

Another practical piece of advice the experts gave me is to stay connected.

“While you may naturally reduce the amount of certain activities due to a decrease in energy levels, it’s important to continue participating in the social activities you enjoy," Mr Chong said.

"This helps maintain your sense of connection and belonging.”

On that note, people around us may help us better cope with our feelings with regard to ageing.

"Loved ones can be more affirming in what they appreciate about positive qualities (of ageing family members) and refrain from commenting on their changes in physical appearance," Dr Tsao said.

It is also helpful to encourage healthy and open conversations about ageing.

“This reduces feelings of isolation and loneliness, helping the individual feel understood and supported,” Mr Chong said.

The experts also advised me to be more compassionate with myself and recognise that ageing is part and parcel of life.

“We can start by appreciating our bodies the way they are now, by imagining what our older selves would say if they looked back at a photo of us at this age,” Ms Avanti said.

It would also help to focus more on what I have gained instead of what I have supposedly lost, they said.

Instead of being overly concerned about that extra line on the face or the strand of grey hair on my head, they encouraged me to “embrace and celebrate” new strengths that come with age.

“For instance, as we age, we often become more patient, understanding and capable of offering meaningful suggestions to others, which enriches both personal and professional connections,” Mr Chong said.

I know that even if I don’t quite like my byline photo now, the future 70-year-old me will probably look back at it with kinder, albeit hazier eyes. 

In the meantime, however, I'll continue taking my occasional walks and eating my salads.

Even if realistically, these won't make me feel better about how I look – perhaps not yet, fingers crossed – I know that they are still good for my well-being to some extent, and that matters more.